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jennica77
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Name: Jennica Gayle
Country: United States
State: Arkansas
Birthday: 1/27/1990
Gender: Female
Interests: Jesus
Writing
Poetry
Photography
Manipulation
Making friends
Playing cupid
Movies
Lyrics
You.
Expertise: Screwing up good things?
Being manipulative.
Sarcastic remarks.
Reading people...
I should be a psychiatrist. (sp?)
Occupation: Upward Bound
Industry: Blue Light Special :winky:
Message: message meEmail: email me
Website: visit my website
AIM:  jickina07
MSN: jazy_jenn@hotmail.com
Yahoo:  j_e_n_n_i_c_a_2008
Member Since:
9/17/2005
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| So, I haven't posted in a while. I'm never very consistent. Currently, I'm watching Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas for the first time because I feel this need to have watched every Johnny Depp movie. It's....definitely a Depp movie. Weird weird weird. But within just a few seconds I realized this is the inspiration for the A7X Bat Country video, which I found very interesting.
So, I'm going to Africa this summer. For a month. I'm scared and extremely excited. Fundraising is going to be intense, but I trust God in that. I know that through all of this I will become so much closer and more dependent on God, and hopefully I will discover more about how I truly am and what I value. That's important to me. For the last few years I've just felt like I don't really know who I am. In high school I was stuck being what everyone thought I was. Now that I'm on my own, I want and need to discover who I am through God.
One of my friends texted me a few weeks back to ask me if I'd seen a picture. This picture was of my ex-fiancé's newborn child. (I know, heavy) I hadn't, but I immediately went and looked. I was curious as to what he named this precious little boy, and today I got my answer. He posted pictures on here, and the little boy...Paxdyn...is adorable. I hope this little bundle of joy changes his life, and I know he will.
Lately I've just really been a recluse. I come in and shut the door, leaving Taylor out in the living area. I don't want to talk to or see anyone really. Except my Chi Alpha and dgroup people. (I love them with all my heart, they make life so much better. We've only known each other a month or so, but I already feel so close to them and know I can count on them for anything) And a few choice "crushes" in classes. I watch tv, a lot. It's what I enjoy. I really shouldn't hole myself up and watch tv...but I do. Last week I was so busy I couldn't breathe because I had so many tests and then over Fall Break I was driving around nonstop and busy busy busy because my best friend, Rachel, came to town. Worth it, but after that I just wanted to veg out, and I definitely have. I'm just ready for this semester to be over. To be out of Spanish and to actually have classes that matter. Changing my major messed me up this semester.
So, on a brighter note...I'm in a ballroom dancing class. It's AMAZING. We have so much fun. It's like...12 guys and 20 something girls, so the girls rotate around and the guys never get a break. This last class there was a new guy. I was standing with my friend Chelsea and I look up and there is this adorable guy practicing with the teacher. He's dressed in a way that I would normally scoff at and mark it off as very "highschooly" or trying too hard...but somehow he pulled it off. At the beginning of every class the girls line up on one side of the room and the guys pick....so it's like high school all over again EVERY day. So Chelsea and I start talking, pretending we don't care at all if we get picked...and I look up and here's this guy standing right in front of me, asking me to be his partner. In my mind I was saying...this NEVER happens. But we danced for a good ten minutes or so and he told me his name, Josh Turner (and I immediately thought, oh great. Another Josh. I have SO many Joshes in my life.) but we chatted and laughed and had a great time the entire time we were dancing. It was comfortable and not awkward, which is rare in a ballroom dancing class where you have to hold each other fairly close. He's like...a million feet tall, so we were joking about how big his steps are. After a little while the teacher told us all the separate and the girls lined up on one side and the guys lined up on the other and we practiced alone for awhile. The whole time we kept looking at each other and silently joking across the room and laughing. After this she told the guys to find a new partner. I was watching Josh and he looked around a little bit and then came up and held his hand out to me smiling...I hesitated because I knew we were supposed to have DIFFERENT partners but I definitely wanted to dance with him again...and in the moment of hesitation another guy came up and grabbed my hand and I had no choice but to go with him. And this guy, who I can't remember his name (even though we've danced together a lot in the last few weeks) is a very sweet and nice and kind of funny guy...but he dances so awkwardly. Something about the way he holds me is off and it makes it difficult to dance, but I don't want to point it out or correct him.
Anyway, there's a dance on Friday and I wasn't going to go because I don't have a dress...but my amazing friend let me borrow a few to try on and one of them fit okay...so I'm going to a dance. :) And I'm teaching a few of my friends and they're going to go too and it's going to be great. :) I can't wait. Then I'm going home for Halloween and playing bingo with my daddy at the Halloween Carnival. :)
Anyway ,Fear and Loathing is still going and I haven't been watching close enough so I'm a little confused...but it seems like it's an important part, so I'm going to go. :)
Jenn | | |
| I've had an amazing weekend.
Saturday I got to know Evan better.
He fed me a cheetoe. (ha)
He had taken them from me earlier because I was eating them and they're for the entire group...but then a few minutes later he grabbed them and started eating them so I gave him this..."Seriously?" look and he just smiled and stuck a cheetoe in my mouth. My friend Ashliegh knows exactly how I feel about him so she was just standing back giggling. It's the simple things.
For example, he gave me a very nice extended hug (tight squeeze, back rubbing, etc), which is nothing special because I've seen him give another girl one (and I was quite jealous) but still. At least I'm getting to know him better. Which is all I really want. It's not like I can honestly say "I want to date him" or "I "like him" like him. I don't know him. I'm just interested in getting to know him better.
Trying not to read into anything because he's just a really nice guy. He's friendly and "touchy" with everyone..
But I still smile when I think about it.
He kind of has the temperament of a 12 year old. He's pretty ADD and everything, but it's endearing.
Anyway, that's my Evan gush of the day. I hate talking about him because I just sound pathetic and girlie seeing as I don't even really know him...but I have to talk about him some because I think about him quite often.
I can't wait until Thursday. XA is having this 70's skate party and my outfit is pretty beast. Well the pants are anyway. I'm going to look and act a fool, and love it. I haven't skated since I was like...12. It should be interesting. I'm sure a lot of other people will be just as bad as I am.
First home game was this weekend. Always fun. Spent some time getting to know my new friend, Ashliegh. She's pretty much the best ever.
Making Taylor watch Dawson's Creek with me, which makes me happy and I'm pretty sure she's getting into it. :) Which is good because I bought all 6 seasons. Randie has been coming over and watching them with us. Never thought I'd be friends with her, we hated each other in high school. Well, not hated...but we definitely weren't friends. College is just a place for second chances.
This week is going to be super busy with XA and homework. I have to spend all spare time the next 2 days studying for Biology. I aced the first test and I'd love to do the same for this one. I'm going to need all the A's I can get this semester. Spanish is going to be the pitfall.
I need to go to bed NOW so that I'm awake enough for this study-a-thon I have coming up. :)
JennGayle | | |
| I'm in an exquisite mood today. I can't really explain why except that God is great. :)
I'm still sick, as I have been nearly all week. Everything tastes gross, I can't breathe, I sound horrible....but I'm still in a great mood. I think it's because I actually decided to get ready today. I dressed nicely, I put on FULL makeup...and I feel good. I just wish I had a group of people to mingle with. Tonight is a pep rally to get "pumped" for tomorrow, which is the first home game. I'm not really a big pep rally kind of girl, though I am excited about the first game. Football is interesting, though I'll never be an avid fan. I enjoy a game, but I don't really care about the outcome. I actually watched the Cowboys vs. Giants game in my dorm the other....just because. I know, it's weird.
I have a super busy week ahead, I'm dreading the school part but I'm excited about all the rest. Tonight is the pep rally. So to me that means Dawson's Creek marathon!! haha, and tomorrow morning I'm going with Chi Alpha and my dgroup to do the Not So Extreme Home Makeover. It's really not extreme at all. We're going to fix up this house and yard for a single father with 4 kids. I'm very excited about it. Then Saturday night is the first home game, and I'm also quite excited to pull out the purple eyeshadow! (we're the purple bears...) And to get a polish sausage. I'm not a big fan of hot dogs or anything of the sort, but the concession stand at the stadium makes a mean polish sausage. Then Monday night is Chi Alpha worship which is always utterly amazing and powerful and moving and amazing....and I'm hoping I can get Taylor (roomie) to go with me. I've always wanted to "save" her...which is something I can't do. And trying was probably the worst idea ever. I've given up on helping her. We've dug ourselves into a hole that we can't climb out of, so now I just want her to be happy with herself as a person. I know she believes in God, I just think she would be so much happier if she started living for Him. She'd find confidence in more productive and fulfilling ways. Anyway, yes. Chi Alpha on Monday's. Then Tuesday I have a Biology test that I need to start studying for. I made a 113 on the first one and that really made me feel good. I was so scared of Biology, but again, God is great. :) Then Wednesday night at dgroup we're having breakfast for dinner which I can't even begin to explain how much I love. I could eat breakfast 3 meals a day, swear. Then Thursday night is the 70's skate party with Chi Alpha, which my new friend Ashliegh has informed me I must dress up for. haha I haven't skated since I was quite young so this should be interesting/embarrassing/immense fun. Friday I have my first World Lit test which is scary because I don't know what to expect, and we have a paper due the same day. Then skip a few days and Monday is my next Spanish "test" which is actually going to be an in class composition and I'm scared. I dislike Spanish and it's complexity.
Now that all that's out of the way...it's time to talk about....(dun dun dun) the boy.
His name is Evan Alan Nesbitt and he's super sweet. (yes, I tend to pick guys with crazy last names. Let's go through my list ("my list" being every significant guy I've liked in my entire life, ha)...Starr, Yandell, Klutts, Kirby, Lawrence (okay, that one's pretty normal) Looney, and now...Nesbitt.) The first time I noticed him was at the first Chi Alpha I attended. He's the bassist for the worship group, which is ironic because no matter what I always end up having a thing for bassists. He isn't extremely hot or anything, but he still melts my heart. And that last phrase was WAY too dramatic because I barely even know the guy, but I tend to be fairly dramatic. Anyway, he has braces, which would normally be a "turn off" but somehow it just makes him all the more endearing. I love his smile. It makes me smile. His happiness and good spirit is just absolutely contagious. He was at the retreat I was at last weekend, and in the course of the weekend I just grew more and more fond of him. (keep in mind, I still don't really know him at all) He plays guitar and sings...not spectacularly, but well enough. The fact that he isn't an absolute rock star makes me like him more. He's so real.
Now let's go back a few blogs to last semester. Last April. Remember Kyle? Kyle Christian Looney? (oh how I loved that name)...Maybe I never said his name...but my obsessive crazy blogs were about him (April 19th -April 19th)..yeah, turns out...they're friends. Every awesome picture I've ever seen of Kyle....Evan took. (Yes, he's one of the best photographers I've ever seen....and that has NOTHING, absolutely nothing, to do with my liking him. I don't just hand out compliments to photographers, I'm typically VERY critical, but MAN! He's amazing.) So...I've liked 2 guys since Zack and I broke up over 2 years ago...and they just happen to both be musicians and friends. Seriously? And outdoorsy mountain climbing lovers. They're so similar...except everything about Kyle was "perfect". He was a "perfect" person. Like...intimidatingly so. Evan is just...real. Which in a way makes the fact that I like him more real. No offense to Kyle, he's still an amazing person. But with Kyle...since he was the first guy I could see myself dating in such a long time...it was a big deal to me. I "fell" way to fast for him. I let it get to me way too much. I actually cried over that boy...if you look back there are a few crazy posts...I seriously seemed crazy. I'm not going to let that happen again....because I don't want to be crazy. I realize with Evan...it will probably never happen. Actually, I'm pretty sure he likes this girl named Chelsea...but I still smile when I think of him. I guess that's good enough. Ironically, when I was sitting outside at the retreat listening to Evan play guitar and sing (with Chelsea...:(...) the girl that Kyle was head over heels for just happened to be out there with us. And I can admit it...she's amazing. I see why he liked her.
MWF's are my "potential run into Evan" days. Monday I ran into him on the way to class and it made my day. His genuine smile and happiness is so contagious. Wednesday, as I tried to reenact this chance encounter...I ran into Kyle. I know, how ironic. I hadn't seen Kyle since last semester. I waved, but he didn't look happy to see me at all. I dwelled on that for a while, just thinking...geez you jerk. But I realize it was most likely something else that was going on and nothing to do with me. So today, Friday, I again try to make this chance encounter happen...and I run into Kyle again. This time he seemed happier to see me and actually held the door open for me and said hi and everything. But alas, no Evan. And then I ran into Kyle again at lunch. Seriously, last year when I wanted to run into Kyle it never happened. I guess everything happens for a reason and God has his plan that I can't see and I shouldn't worry about boys and just let what happens happen and be happy in the present and live for the moment and yeah yeah yeah. I want to do all those things...but I want to fall in love too. :)
So that was long and ranty. :) Feels good to get it out.
Jenn | | |
| I don't often get to say this, but I had an amazing weekend. It's amazing how things work out for the best when you're focusing on the right things.
I guess I'll start at the beginning. Monday was really the big step that started it all. I went to Chi Alpha for the first time with my friend Tyler. She had been before and had met a few people, one of which is a wonderful woman named Mary. As I'm walking around with Tyler trying to decide where to sit, I realize I know a lot of people that are there. It's surprising how many people I casually meet love the Lord as I do. The service started with an amazing worship team leading us in song. Music is such a powerful worship tool. And Matt, our leader, is a great speaker. He's not eloquent or wordy...he just loves Christ and it shows. I had forgotten how much I loved worship and it felt so good to be a part of that again.
After the service, the lovely lady, Mary, invited us to join her D-group. We happily agreed and we also signed up for the Chi Alpha (XA) Fall Retreat. Things seemed to be moving so fast, but I was excited. Wednesday rolls around and Tyler couldn't go to D-group because she was spending time with her family for her birthday. Mary had arranged for her sister-in-law, Renee, to give me a ride, and as it turns out...Renee is in Biology with Tyler and I. Small world. So at D-group I meet some of the most amazing people I've met so far at UCA and we just sat and talked about our trials and blessings from the week. It's so amazing to have a group of people you can trust to talk to about the Lord. I don't have many people like that. My room mate scoffs or has some snide remark to anything even remotely "religous". My best friend, Rachel, is a preacher's daughter and would therefore make a great person to talk to...but I don't for some reason. My other best friend is gay and on a slutty rampage after his recent breakup. He isn't living the life he should and he knows it deep down, therefore talking to him about my trials and blessings with the Lord seems pointless, but now that I think of it...maybe I should talk to him about it more often. He would probably benefit from seeing what the Lord is doing in my life. Anyway, sorry for the tangent, my point was...although my friends don't bash me or make fun of me for my beliefs, they definitely don't support me or encourage me (except for Rachel...she supports me and encourages me always and for her I am so thankful).
Fall Retreat began Friday. We left in the afternoon and from that moment forward everything was amazing. It was a fairly small group, less than 200 total. I met lots of amazing people, and even a few will probably become friends. We played games, ate, and most importantly worshipped. Worship along with fellowship is such a great thing. The walls go down, you don't feel selfconsious or afraid, you just let the Lord flow through you and you praise Him whole-heartedly. Worship the first night was 3 hours long, but it felt like mere minutes. I'm not as close to the Lord as I'd like, I don't feel the Holy Spirit like I want to and I don't feel as comfortable praying as I would like...but I'm back in the presence of the Lord trying to live my life for Him. I've been so distracted and beatdown and cynical and hard-hearted the last few years due to a few different things, but it's time to let that all go and let the Lord heal me. I've been fighting against it for so long because I thought it would be too hard, or too emotional, or that I was too tired...but I'm finished with excuses and it's the best thing to happen to me in a long time. I was close to the Lord before, and I was told I had faith like a child. It came easy. There was no reason to doubt, it just was. The world has beat me down since then and that unquestioning faith isn't something I have anymore. Letting everything go and just being one with God isn't as simple as it was when I was younger. But life is simple. And for that matter, how I "work toward" being one with God, the works I do, none of it matters. If I open my heart to God, He's there. In reality, He never left me...I just stopped talking to Him and trusting Him to do what's right for me. I ran away, and all along He was right there.
We talked this weekend about our perception of God. For a lot of people, it's hard to picture God as a "father" because they didn't have a good father. He was either abusive or absent or passive or unloving or harsh. For one reason or another, a lot of people have no desire for a "father" because of their experiences with their own fathers. But where all people let you down, God will never. It really made me realize how truly blessed I am. My father, my daddy, makes it so easy for me to understand God as a loving, devoted, "would do anything in the world for me", "constantly thinking about me and caring for me", "always there" type of father. My dad is the most amazing dad, and for that I am so thankful. I suppose the only thing is that I don't really talk to my dad, not about deep down important and personal things anyway. We talk constantly about our days and different stuff, but I don't get emotional or personal with him very often, and I think that has a lot to do with why it's so difficult for me to just speak with the Lord.
anyway, if I tried to talk about everything we discussed and discovered this weekend it would take hours...so this is it for now.
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| My brother is 8 years older than me...so I've always considered myself an only child. It's not that we aren't close or that I don't love him dearly or claim him...it's just that the age difference made it to wear I grew up in the same conditions as an only child, and seeing as we have different fathers, I am halfway an only child.
The point of that introduction was that as a young girl I adored his friends, and the fact that they acknowledged me and seemed to adore me as well (as much as you can adore the younger (and slightly annoying) sibling) was icing on the cake. Even now, when I think back to those people I smile. They made me feel special, whether they realized it or not. One of the girls that was in my brothers class and his group of friends has a blog. I've read a few posts in the past, but I came across it again today, and maybe it's because I'm in a better mindset for it now, but it was so uplifting. She loves the Lord and lives for Him like I want to.
I have this mini-devotional called "God's Road Map for Grads" that someone (I can't even recall who) gave me when I graduated. I remember glancing at it and thinking something along the lines of "oh thanks, I'll never use that". But in the last few months, since the middle of the summer, I have been downright determined to fix my life and focus on God. I don't know what I want to do or what I'm supposed to do, or even what the future holds a week from now, but I do know that God DOES know, and without Him it will be one disheartening struggle and disaster after another. When I decided upon this, the only devotional-esqe reading material I had available was...TA DA!...God's Road Map for Grads. As I've began reading it, typically just one short segment a night, it's been surprisingly helpful. It is in a format that has different subjects (dating, money, parents, uncertainty) in alphabetical order. Each subject has a list of pertinent verses to read and a short "devo". I decided just to dive in and begin from the beginning, and more often than not when I crack the covers and begin my nightly "quiet time"...the subject I stopped on the night before is exactly what I need today. God works in miraculous ways.
This blog really reminds me that I don't post anything for other people. I have 2-3 people who read this with any regularity and none of them would care to hear me "rant" or "preach" about my God. But that's what's on my mind, thanks to my brother's friends blog. :)
I now have to rush over to meet some friends (I know...FRIENDS!!!) for a study session for Biology. gag.
Jenn
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